Woohoo. My PR application has just been approved!

I’m so elated! More about it later, when I get off work!

Woohoo!

This has got to be one of the best piece of news for this year, and most probably is (apart from the green light for my trip of the year, naturally)! It’s been many year in the making, and it’s finally completed. I can’t remember exactly when was the very first intention, but my best guess was somewhere in the year 2003 thereabouts. Seems to be a likely number too, since that was the time I had wanted to head overseas for studies. As usual, there were reasons for that route, and an equal number of reasons not too, one of which is the cost issue, which on the whole, the money not spent could well fund a small business. Of course, my personal situation back then was totally different, unlike now.

So I gave that a pass, and took up the cheaper local alternative, which didn’t turn out as well as I had intended. The desire returned again quite some time later, probably 2005 when I realised that my other chance was just around the corner, save for one other criteria which I hadn’t yet fulfilled. That would only be possible during the third quarter of 2006, which was when I filed the application. The next six months wan’t exactly easy, when you know full well that anything can happen. Then came the medical check-up, record check and (supposedly) everything would be smooth sailing from that point on. However, I still wasn’t too sure about assuming things until the fat lady sings.

She finally borke the silence, and what a sweeet beautiful voice it is.

There’s just so many things to tie up and get prepared that I don’t know where to begin. A small part of me is still reluctant to make the transition. The move won’t be an entirety, since my parents and bro will be staying behind. Here is the difference – the leaving behind of the ties that bind you. Not that it’s a good or bad thing, but it can’t be avoided at all. Someone has to go first, and I made the move. My bro has yet to get settled down on the still turbulent animation industry. I still firmly believe that if he were to succeed, the only way is to get out – of SG, that is. Why stay when you can go and experience the best that the world has to offer? Of course, he’ll firstly have to gain some experience, and the year or two here should come in useful. Dad still has his network of golf mates and what not, so that is highly unlikely.

As for me, job wise I think I’m willing to forgo what I’ve managed to accumulate these part years and start afresh. A friend still things that it’s a waste of my engineering degree to drop things as they are. On the other hand, if the interest has never been there, what difference does it make? It’s after all, a stepping stone to greater things, even if it’s being a waiter at a restaurant. It’s still a job after all, and if I earn enough for my keep, and still have remainder to send by butt to some faraway place every year, who’s to complain? Friends wise, I still have my network here, which are here to stay. My only consolation would be the ease of communication the internet brings, which will do it’s part to bridge the many miles between. It’s not as good as meeting up face-to-face, but never-the-less, it still serves a purpose inbetween the trips we make. Looking on the bright side, it’s probably (almost) free lodging for them, provided of course I’m able to find for myself a big enough place.

There are so many things which need to be done henceforth. One at a time, and soon enough, the day of reckoning will arrive.

Have you ever felt before, that somehow you were not up to the task? That somehow you were just unfit for the job? What if you failed to perform up to your own expectations? Were your expectations set too high in the first place; way too high for what you can achieve realistically? Or maybe it’s just a simple fact that you’re just plain dumb and can’t even fix this simple problem?

I have felt this before, and now I’m feeling it yet again. History coming back to haunt me. When you’ve been streamlined for something which although may be coverted, somehow just doesn’t seem to suit you? When I’m like the complete utter opposite of what’s expected, how am I going to fit in? Somehow, I sense that this won’t work out in the long run. When push comes to shove, I think I’ll be the first gonner.

Do you ever get the feeling that somehow, you failed society? Failed to become the generic mass-produced goods that they have been programmed to churn out of the factory works? That you’re now considered one of the factory rejects, with unacceptable flaws, only fit for the wholesale outlet?

What if it’s the society that failed to recognise the distinct individual that you are, and instead of refining it further, pulverised it and attempted to replace it with the generic parts which don’t seem to fit? What then, happens to the frankenstein? A mishmash of everything, not able to conform to the present, feeling outcast and different?

What if you practically slipped thru the social safety net that they specifically created to save those who happened to fall through? My circumstances are different, but looking back at history, I think I can see where it all stemmed from.
If only it was that simple …

Why is it that everytime I have something to share, when I get home and share it with the old one, I always seem to be put down? It’s not the first time this has happened, but the more it does, the more it puts me off and discourages me. It’s not the same as pouring cold water on me, or so it’s been put across, but to me, there’s just no difference. So it’s also said that it’s not to do with comparison, but then why is it brought up in the first place? If it’s not comparison, then there’s no necessity to bring it up at all, isn’t there?

The more this happens, the more I feel that I should just keep everything to myself, since that’s the best way to keep everything cool. It’s not the best solution for my sanity, but it’s probably the best for the rest. After all, I’ve already survived this far, I don’t see why it can’t survive for another quarter of a century. I’ve tried so hard just to begin to open up, and I probably be better off going in reverse again. All I need is just some supportive comments, and constructive suggestions, and not putting me down, saying “you should have some spare leave for the remainder of the year”. Something along the line such as “that’s workable, but you’ll do good by having a leave or two for the remainder of the year.”

Bah.

I remember reading in one of the past year’s horoscope that I would do good by leaving home and being independent. It should be last year’s one, but I can’t seem to find it. Anyhow, since it didn’t happen last year, I will make sure it happens this year.

It’s just so frustrating.

It’s been what, 8 years already? Maybe 9, but I do know that it’s somewhere there. 9 whole years since I got it and somehow it’s still here. I’d normally expected it to just disappear into nothingness after a period of time. It did, or so it made me believe.

It would just resurface occasionally, but I never really did take any serious notice. Perfaps I was just trying to ignore it, for it usually works to make the unwanted simply go away. It sure did, but not for long. I guess it will never really go away? Will it ever?

I do know that it wasn’t to be, as was made known before. Has the situation changed already? It is something which I don’t know. I don’t think I will make any attempt as yet to find it out. No, I think that if it were meant to be, the path would reveal itself to me in time. I know better than to let history repeat itself … again. Besides, the ball isn’t in my court anyway. Until then, life still goes on.

Sometimes, I don’t know what in the world is going on. I find it absolutely strange when at one moment, everything appears to be fine and the next, it’s right up hell’s doorstep. Granted, it all started with something as seemingly harmless as some jokes. Well, whatever you wish to call it. IMHO, it was meant to get the good vibes flowing. Knowing myself, (in fact, I believe quite few of my close friends can even verify that) I can probably go for several hours without saying anything. That was the past. It has changed somewhat, but old habits die hard. Not even with a sledgehammer, it won’t. I think I’m more vocal now, compared to probably a decade ago, but it’s nowhere how I’d like it to be. Still, at least a start was made, and it has progressed somewhat. It doesn’t matter how slow the progress is, but at least there is some. Better than nothing, that’s what I always say.

Still, it’s not easy trying to go against the flow of things. It’s relatively straightforward, once you get the hang of things, but sometimes there may be a loose rock or two hidden from sight. Maybe something blurted out which shouldn’t have been, something said which may sound alright, but if intepereted wrongly, would have adverse effects. Well, if shit can happen, it sometimes does. The problem comes when something was inadvertently mentioned, said or done which would appear normal for one, and be outright offensive to others. Similarily, not everyone has the same sense of humor, and the same tolerance level. We all react differently to jokes too. Some would laugh out loud, some tend to smirk while others may just chuckle to themselves.

So what happens when a joke has gone a little sour, or maybe a little bit too far. What then? What’s the best way to salvage the situation? Do you try and hint first, that it’s time to move on, and not carry on past the point of no return? That’s what I’ll do anyway.

How about ignoring the joke, in the hope that it’ll just pass? Not contributing to the joke is probable, but ignoring the person totally? Is it rude at all in the first place? It’s like behaving as though the person doesn’t exist at all, which in itself quite rude to start with. Maybe it’s just me, and my different way of thinking, but somehow, I still feel that some form of notification, verbal or otherwise would be good. Perhaps ignorance could be used as a form of notification, but what if it wasn’t picked up in the first place? It’s probably like giving the cold shoulder, but what good does it serve? It may serve the short term purpose of stopping the immediate frustrations, but it only serves to further undermine the long term solution.

The feeling isn’t exactly nice at all. When everytime you try to initiate a conversation, it either starts on a not too friendly tone, or worse still, it gets cut off abruptly. Just as bad, when even neutral and slightly positive remarks return zero response. It’s just like giving a show of ignorance, only that there’s no visual cue whatsoever.

I don’t see the point when it’s mentioned that henceforth, everyone will be treated just like everyone else, while what’s practically happening is just the exact opposite. It’s just like being strangers once again. Acquaintenances, perhaps. Then why mention it in the first place, when a straightforward farewell would suffice? Why give hope, when all that is given turns out to be false?

I’m not the type to hold at gun point, just to get something done. All I did was to try to bring an end to the unpleasantries, as nicely as was possible. To be very matured about it. I was prepared to bury the hatchet, to let bygones be bygones. However, it turns out that it wasn’t meant to be. I shan’t dwell on it any longer, for that’s not what I’m here for. Life is just too short to spend time on such unpleasantries. Really. I think I’ve already done my part and tried my best. If there’s no reciprocating response, I don’t see what I should linger around and eventually turn into a pest. That’s not me, by the way.

All the best to you then.

Yesterday, I just got news from a friend that her friend just got into a motorbike accident, and has since passed away. I don’t exactly know her personally, although after seeing her obituary in the newspaper, I realised that I may have seen her a few times before. She’s still rather young too, with much of her life ahead of her.

It’s very sad to learn that a fellow biker has gone into passing, whether or not one has known the other. I guess it’s not so much of a friendship level, but more of a sense of belonging to the same interest. In this case, the same fondness for motorbikes, or the fact that we both ride motorbikes, be it for the passion or just as an affordable mode of transport.

It’s just very saddening all the same.

Everyone says the same thing, and I feel the same way too. It’s dangerous to ride a motorbike; in Singapore. I’m sure it’s the same case anywhere else in the world, but I guess it’s just more apparent here. The roads are just too crowded with all sorts of vehicles. Everyone is jostling for whatever space they can take. The military is fighting for land for training. The HDB wants to built more flats. Real estate develops are looking for land to build more luxurious condominiums. The industry wants more factory space while the public wants more shopping centres and amenities. The list goes on, but the available land doesn’t. Without land, the amount of roads cannot grow to accomodate the growing number of vehicle owners and users on the road.

The roads keep getting more and more congested. Everyone starts to get heated up, because they are late for work, or are stuck in a jam. Impatience starts to set in. They see a motorbike in front, and being impatient, they try to squeeze their big cars in. After all, the motorbike is so small and yet it’s taking up the entire width of the lane. The car owner feels that it’s unfair, since the motorbike owner pays only a fraction of the road tax he’s paying and yet the rider is taking up the entire lane. The driver tries to squeeze his big car, but misjudges the size and distance …

Sometimes, the drivers are just blind to what’s around them. Perhaps in their eyes, they only see the big stuff – other cars, buses and lorries. They conveniently miss the small but important stuff, the bikes. Sometimes, they are just plain lazy, and don’t bother to look at their blind spot. It always happens. The most popular crime? Too lazy to even bother to signal before a turn, or a lane change. It always happens. It’s as though it costs a hand and a foot just to flip the small stick like lever to activate the signal light. I can understand the lack of signal when there arn’t any other cars on the road, but that doesn’t discount a driver for failing to signal when there are other cars on the road. Like what happened to me yesterday. As I was heading home, I stopped at a T-junction to turn right as there was a taxi approaching. I can probably make it the turn, if I go slightly fast, but I wasn’t in any rush, and it won’t hurt by waiting for a few seconds more. I’m pretty sure that the taxi driver saw me, with my headlight on and right signal flashing. To my dismay, he slowed down and proceeded to make a left. It’s just so stupid! If he had signalled left, I would have seen it, and made the right turn, since he’ll have to slow down eventually, but no. The stupid a$$ driver was too lazy to signal, even when there’s another vehicle right in front of his vision. Unless of course, his field of vision is limited to 1 metre beyond his vehicle’s front bumper. then he shouldn’t be driving in the first place. Maybe I should just give him the benefit of the doubt. It was a Mercedes cab, and he was probably trying to cut costs, but purchasing the vehicle without a signal light. That probably saved him a good thousand dollars.

It can’t possibly get as silly as that. Sigh, the state of the drivers in our country.

On May the 8th, while at Shegar, I posed this question to Saya.

“Which do you think would have been better for Tibet? With the chinese government’s control, or without”

I feel that it’s really a double edged sword. What really matters is which edge would you prefer.

One one side, we have the chinese government, having taken over Tibet (unceremoniously, of course), start to pour in funds to develop the country. Naturally, they backed up their (rather brute force) actions by (blatantly) claiming that Tibet was part of the (mother) land, and they are only welcoming back what belongs. Such was (again blatantly) claimed by the horrifically distorted version found in the Anti-British Imperialist Museum. It’s surprisingly hilarious too, provided you devour all that is written with generous scoops of salt.

The fact is that with the chinese government in place, there are funds to pump in, in order to improve the country and to bring it up one notch in terms of development. The truth of the matter is that, it’s not just the funds being pumped in, but manpower too, is being pumped in, in the form of mainland chinese nationals – a fact which can be seen the moment you set foot into Tibet. Not just seen, but heard. All along, I assumed that while in Tibet, communication would be either via english, or bits of Tibetan, padded with english. It may sound odd, but as long as it gets the message across, that’s what matters. But no, when I arrived, communication was suddenly a breeze. Un-nervingly easy, in fact. No doubt it made the trip a whole lot easier, since I know a bit of mandarin, but in the process, the sense of adventure, and discovery is all lost. With a common language, little effort is made into learning little bits and pieces of their native language. Granted, I know the basic words for a greeting, and the necessary thank you, since they can be found in the guide book. Other than that, I don’t exactly know much else. I had initially wanted to learn the basic numbers, but in the end, I ended up using mandarin to get my message across. The sheer numbers of mainland chinese in Tibet is more shocking than astounding. All along the Jokhang, there there were numerous stalls selling (supposedly) traditional Tibetal corals, beads and other trinklets, one can see both Tibetans and chinese running them. The Tibetans would be at the small road-side type of street stall, while the chinese would be manning a proper brick and mortar shop. It’s quite obvious too, which one belongs to which. Even by looking, one can probably tell if the owner is a Tibetan or a chinese. I think I’m just turned off by the sheer numbers of chinese there, fighting with the local Tibetans for a living.

It’s not just the language, but the food too. Granted, that the taste of travellers tend to vary, as with their threshold level for what’s to be considered edible. It’s normal for foreign cuisines to be imported into a country. However, they should probably remain as that – exotic foods. When the imported food starts to become mainstream, it’ll begin to dilute what’s originally there. True, there were quite a number of Tibetan restaurants while in Lhasa. They served not only Tibetal dishes, but western ones too. However, once we left Lhasa and were on the road trip, we started to see more and more restaurants with chinese menus. At first, our group would eat at them. However, right now when I think back, I should have had my meals at the Tibetan restaurants. After all, that’s why I went to Tibet for, in the first place.

The pouring in of money is always good. However, pumping in funds to boost the infrastructure, standard of living and what not for the sole purpose of improvement, is good provided that the society improves along with it. While in Tibet, it’s kind of like a hot-pot of different cultures and habits all mixed into one. Along some streets, you can see (nice) modern looking rows of modern looking shops. Along the next street, you can sometimes see someone peeing just by the roadside. It’s just so weird. Lhasa is divided into two main sectors, with the western side being the modern looking chinese sector, and the east, the old traditional Tibetan sector. No prizes for guessing where I stayed at. The only time I was at the dhinese sector was when I visited the Potala Palace. Apart from that, I wasn’t there long enough to have a good look around.

On the other hand, let’s imagine that the chinese government and their (silly) ideas did not find their way into Tibet. Let’s just imagine that for one moment. There won’t be any money eing pumped in from the outside world. Of course, there is always the loan from the World Bank, or something of that sort. Still, it is a loan, and it’s something which will have to be repaid in the end. So, without any added funding, the only improvements infrastructure and living standard wise, will all have to come from the people themselves. The pace of development would be slow yes, but as the country develops itself, their economy and standard of living would improve in tandem. Much like lifting up a toothpick at each end, with a few Polo sweets threaded thru. If you lift both ends evenly, the whole system would be in balance. However, if you life only one side up, all the sweets would just slide out.

No doubt, had Tibet been left alone, their average lifetime may not have improved by much, but I’m pretty much sure that it will definitely improve. As with the case at anywhere else in the world, there will always be improvements, with the only difference being the rate at which it improves.

If you ask me, I think I’d very much prefer the old Tibet, thank you. The old Tibet as seen in the movie, 7 Years in Tibet. The streets may be old, but they have character. The place may stink, but at least it’s the real deal, though it can get really unbearable at times. It’s the Tibet of old, which is what’s worth seeing and experiencing. That’s what gives Tibet it’s rural charm. Frankly speaking, I was very much saddened when I first set foot in Lhasa. Saddened by the sheer numbers of chinese in there. And it’s set to get worse, with the railway (supposedly) preparing to begin operations in July of 2006. Just when I had initially thought that it’ll be at least 2007 before it goes into operation. With that, comes (probably) cheaper way to get into Tibet. Of course, it’ll boost tourism into Tibet, but the side effect of this is the increase in numbers of mainland chinese setting up camp in Tibet, with the added accessibility provided by the train service. With more tourists, the proverbial pie would grow. However, the number of Tibetans won’t grow as fast as compared to the amount of chinese from mainland china pouring in. In the end, what was an already unevenly cut pie would slowly become even worse. Things are starting to look rather bleak, at this point.

It’s the chinese government which is the big bully along. It has been one since the start, and I don’t foresee any change, anytime soon. Just as what happened to Tibet, china is apparently trying to strongarm Taiwan into following into the footsteps of Tibet. Only difference is that Tibet didn’t have a choice. Heck, I won’t be surprised that in the distant future, more and more mainland chinese will start pouring into Singapore. In no time at all, Singapore would probably be pulled under the wing of the motherland.

I think I’d better get out before that happens.

What endears me to Tibet – it’s people. Tibetans.

This is the little Tibetan girl whom I played with while queueing up for tickets into the Potala Palace. Very cute.

This is what I call the genuine Tibetan smile. Isn’t she gorgeous.
Note: Photo wasn’t taken by me. Instead, it was taken off this website. If you want to have a look at the old Tibetan street, before all the recent developments, that’s the site to go.

The little girl’s mother. She’s just infront of me in the queue. Photo taken by Muggs.

One of the devotees spinning the huge prayer wheel outside of The Jokhang. The lines really add character to a person.

Sometimes, (and yesterday just happened to be one of that sometimes) I wonder. Why is it that I choose not to be normal. Why is it that I can’t be the usual run-off-the-mill kind of guy, just like any other out there. Just someone normal, who wants to have a stable job with a stable income, a loving companion who is supportive. A roof to call their own, with little replicas of themselves to call their own.

Why is it that I am just the opposite. Why is it that right now, I’m only interested in travelling? Of wanting to see the world, experience different cultures, sample different cuisines. This present triat of mine has it’s detrimental side-effects which tends to spill over, not just over the work aspects, but over the companionship aspects too. A companion is always welcome, naturally, but a travel companion would be welcomed with open arms.

Somehow, it seems to me that this issue has surfaced before. Just as history has a knack for repeating itself, I won’t be surprised if this would resurface again. Only thing is, when?

I think I just needed to vent my frustrations.

Feels slightly better …

Argh … why is it that crap always seem to be happening. Or is it me bringing it all onto myself?

I think I’m just uber pissed and depressed … why can’t things be simple? Am I just trying to complicate things more than they already are, just because I want to save on something else?

Why?

Judgement day is tomorrow. To dive in Tenggol Island or not. To take an extra day of leave, and take Air asia, without all the hassles, or to rough it out and take the bus, long travelling times and uber early arrival time, but saving on one day’s of leave.

Bah. I’ll just sleep it off. Hope for some light at the end of the tunnel tomorrow morning.